“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.