A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
three things we don’t talk about
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
🛁