Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.