@Douchekevin: A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
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@flashember: "Alex is visiting later tonight." Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
@AmishPornStar1: If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@TheTweetOfGod: Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.