I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.