A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.