@MsCassieDaniels: A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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@Jesstrat: Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card
@JesKeepSwimming: I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
@eddiesnextwife: My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
@kelkulus: A dating app called "Hinder" where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.