A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*