@MsCassieDaniels: A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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@ComedicBust: My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a store] Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses? *sunglasses loudly arguing about politics* Clerk: Well, they're polarized
@BackrowSeats: Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.