@markleggett: A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.
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@daemonic3: [bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
@t0shiba: Sometimes I type a 'C' when I meant to type an 'A'. And now I have to apologize to my 'Aunt'
@vineyille: My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order
@weinerdog4life: I bought a bowflex, it's very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?