[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
August 8
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.