@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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@Kyle_Lippert: Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date* Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime? Her: was- was that a mop?
@canadasandra: What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
@kashanacauley: Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.