@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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@AnkCoupleTO: Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful [2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
@iAmDelFreaky: ~The Discovery of Fruit~ Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one? Really? *sighs*
@LosLos__: Doc: Your insurance won't cover it all. Me: What if I sewed myself shut? Doc: Suture self.