@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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@CulturedRuffian: Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain: 1) Death 2) The Pythagorean Theorem
@ginger_xtc: build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
@Jesssicle: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like "Get outta here boys! I didn't get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!"