@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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@jwoodham: What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
@TechnicallyRon: A vegan walks into a bar and doesn't say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
@Shellsterca: *Goes fishing *Catches Spongebob *Hangs him on my wall as a trophy *Too lazy to buy a sponge *Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
@AbbyHasIssues: On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to dust" for the past week.