My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
this is the best day of my life
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.