A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET