A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
brian had himself a morning…
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
screw you
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something