@IamEnidColeslaw: a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
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@jergarl: Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my résumé W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?
@KenJennings: I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
@djdarrellripley: Him: I just had sex with that woman! Me: She’s 60. Him: I know. Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT