I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”