@IamEnidColeslaw: a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
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@chriscr10571: The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
@sssub23: I'm really not sure how many times I'll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I'm an idiot....
@thatUPSdude: Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret", your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.