@Dutch_50: A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
@Token_Geezer: When I'm in a room full of toddlers, I can't help but scan it for potential serial killers
@RainbowJohnJ: Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn't worth saving.
@DaddyJew: Doctor: are you an active marijuana user? Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games