@Dutch_50: A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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@stevevsninjas: Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant. Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole- Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
@ewfeez: Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I'm trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
@SomthinBoutSara: Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
@craydrienne: Twitter: your jokes suck Instagram: your face sucks Snapchat: your life sucks Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist