A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry