A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The best plant holders?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
we all know this pain all too well
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!