A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school