@Kyle_Lippert: A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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@robdelaney: TEENS: You might find yourself "embarrassed" by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
@KeetPotato: [my 1st flight as co-pilot] me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] "so what do you do?" pilot: "i fly the plane keith"
@ashmensch: "Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants." - Me, drunk at Target