@Kyle_Lippert: A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
@Wuttercuerk: If you're a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven't been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney...then why the hell are you Mormon?