@Kyle_Lippert: A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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@junejuly12: [on phone] Of course I trust you, babe. Always. *searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
@pbear79: A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date.. Long story short, picking her up at 7.
@McGunnersite: I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait sorry, that didn't come out right : I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
@SortaBad: Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks