A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
United Steaks of America
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers