A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard