A comma is just a period with a mullet.
You Might Also Like
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.