@MeetingBoy: "A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." I don't doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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@hadafewbeers: Whenever someone says "I don't have a horse in that race" I respond with "You don't have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes."
@iamburtjarvis: her: what r u doing? me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have- her: oh god me:-a water filter.
@Tmoney68: If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I'd go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
@TylerLinkin: Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.