“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here