A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
next level snooze
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.