Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.