A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.