@Bmittone: A cop pulled me over and said 'papers' I said 'scissors' and drove off. I win.
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@Sickayduh: Me: Did you know that a woman's voice gets higher when she's attracted to a man? Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
@rikpayne: I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
@TheCatWhisprer: MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]