A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.