A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
You Might Also Like
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*