My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time