BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.