@theDanLawler: A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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@Probablyrad: Today's kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music
@SethMacFarlane: Hey online media: "Comfortability" isn't a word. The noun you're looking for is "comfort." And it doesn't need you to give it a fancy hat.
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: what are you doing? Son: I’m in timeout Wife: did you make fun of Taylor Swift again? Me[from the other room] YES HE DID
@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.