A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.