A couple who are silly together stay together.
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total