A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
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I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.