By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Fiction has to make sense.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.