@TheMichaelRock: A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
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@hipstermermaid: Donald Trump is like the "Scream" movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
@TweetsByTheTony: [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E
@DanielEdison_: "People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them" "By mistake?" "Not you as well".