A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk