A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A roof is a house hat.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*