@Book_Krazy: A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you've made in your life
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@hippieswordfish: *pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it* haha idiot *checks email* holy shit i won a million dollars??
@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.