A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Just parrot things
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed