A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
A bold strategy
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.