Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.