A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
O Wise One….
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
buys donuts instead
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction