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-Octopus preparing for a fight
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“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Twitter is the new flypaper.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Was it something I said?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on