@Aspersioncast: A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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@maughammom: Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!" Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."
@MarfSalvador: [My band playing on stage] New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.