A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
stop
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
no refunds
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”