[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Well, this is awkward
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
How to make infinite energy.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.