A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
only 11 steps left
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
2022 will be better than 2021
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.