A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”