A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo