…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.