This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*