A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
And bowling should be called pinball
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
whatcha thinkin bout
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
They’re not wrong
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Always 🥴
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later