Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
this is how life feels
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Weighing up my bread heating options
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.