@omgthatspunny: A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music] me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
@TheBoydP: Not to brag but my son's friend said "Your dad looks hot" when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with "Is that heat stroke?" but still.
@LittleMissZesty: Conversations with my pets: Me: Please could you Dog: OF COURSE! Me: I haven't said what it Dog: I LOVE YOU! Me: Please could you Cat: No.
@rikpayne: I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...