@ozzyunc: A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.
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@Cheeseboy22: If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-
@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
@samalmightysam: I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.