A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
You Might Also Like
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Jurassic park gets weird
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”