@ozzyunc: A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.
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@murrman5: use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail
@JohnHilsen: Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat