A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
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CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
it was love at first sight